Week 1

You just got the news and probably haven't quite absorbed it all. I distinctly remember sitting across from my favorite teacher at Duke, and hearing her say "so you know what that means" and thinking to myself "Thank God". I was relieved to finally hear what I knew was coming. No more nights of sleep deprived nail-biting anxiety over whether I was going to pass the next exam or not. Staying up cramming and being almost delusional with exhaustion trying to make sure I could memorize just one more random medical fact before bed! I finally got the relief of knowing it was over...this is what psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross defined as "denial". One of the 5 stages of grieving she describes in her 1969 publication On Death and Dying. I know it sounds morose but yes, you are experiencing a death of sorts. The career and life you were supposed to have that you worked so hard for, won't happen. Your dream is over and your perception of yourself is going to change, and this is not a bad thing. But you will find that life after failing out of Med School will be different, and the internal struggles associated with the transition will be difficult.

I found, as I collected my things, cleared out my locker, turned in my computer and lock I felt perfectly okay. I almost pitied my friends still sitting in lectures for the next 8 hours trying to cram as much as they can while I got to go home and relax. Take a load off and know that next week there won't be an exam and I don't have two quizzes on Friday along with two homework assignments. Oh boy, walking passed my lecture hall I could see them, still in their little rat race...poor them! That is, until I got home and about 4 beers in...then I spiraled into the greater meaning of what had just happened....

I spent the next week sleeping, laying in bed, not answering my phone and crying. I cried in the shower, on the couch, in bed, on a park bench, while I ate, and I drank. Oh boy did I drink! We all know well enough that alcohol is a depressant and couple that with failing out of Medical School you've got one big weepy mess; party of one. You've earned it when life kicks the crap out of you, lay on the ground and cry for a bit!!

Rx:

I highly recommend spending the next week, indulging your battle with depression. Focus on your emotions and indulge them, if you don't you're just putting off the inevitable. If you have a family, meet your obligations to them, do what you have to for the next week but when you can, sulk. Wallow in how bad you are feeling and cry as much as you can. You only get 7 days to devote to this so really feel the hit of this loss during that time. It's okay, it sucks and no, you didn't deserve it but these things happen.  It's your party, cry as much as you want to it's just week one, this is to be expected.