Week 156

Fast forward to 3 years out. I am working a good job, with a good pay for a good company. I would love to tell you that I don't ever even think about school or that I'm so happy with my career that I can even begin to imagine how I could have ever wanted to be a PA. Unfortunately that simply isn't true. I'm not saying I spend all of my time upset, most days I don't think about it and I'm plenty happy with my job. But there are days when I am typing an email or a document in word and I feel a wave of crushing depression that makes it hard to breathe. I cry at my desk. Good news is this happens maybe 2, 3 times a year tops. The pangs of depression in general happen probably once a month.

This is an aspect of coping that to this point has not gone away. I set myself up for what could have been great success which subsequently resulted in a devastating failure. I like my job but I don't change lives, I don't impact people on a daily basis in such a way that I even feel like it matters most days.  I am not what I had always thought I'd be. I spent a lot of my life thinking I'd do something extraordinary. I've turned out to be completely average. That's the most difficult thing to accept. I am a person with a job. That's what I do. 

My personal life has taken off. I have gotten married. I have a daughter and am now expecting a son! I hate that this is something I haven't totally shaken. Now that I have kids, I have to somehow muster the strength to tell them "if you work hard, you can do anything you want" even though I'm walking, talking proof that no matter how hard you work, it doesn't always matter. You won't always get what you want, and life really isn't fair. It's a lucky freaking gamble. 

I feel like what I am is a recovering success-a-holic. I spent so much of my adult life being able to do what I wanted that failing at something completely shattered my sense of self. I don't know if I was suffering from delusions of grandeur or what. I am working on it...just keep on trying.

Rx:

It will come and it will go. These emotional tsunamis will resolve with a little bit of emotional indulgence. You really have to grip on to the good in your life. I have friends and an awesome family. I let myself cry because when I don't, it lingers so much longer. Its less often and I'm less angry. You have to choose to be happy now. You have to choose to enjoy your career, whatever it may be. Going back to school is not an option at this point. At least not for me. To take another shot at that expensive ass game of roulette is irresponsible. It is going to be fine. The success I can achieve is what it is. Different is not necessarily bad or less than, you just have to adjust your expectations to your reality.