You're five months out of school now and I hate to break it to you but, your lenders for student loans are unfortunately going to start reaching out to you soon and will want their money back. The very first thing I request is drumming up any paperwork or information you can from school that you signed to get the money, contact your financial aid department at school, and if nothing else, they will be in contact with you. But I suggest as soon as you find out how much they want each month, you look at your monthly budget and figure out if you can swing it. I cannot emphasize how important it is to sort through this soon rather than later. If you cannot afford your payments, reach out to your debtor ASAP! Running from this, ignoring or sending them what you can afford won't cut it. They will still want the difference unless you reach out to them and make other arrangements. As angry as this will make you, be proactive about your debt.
Follow up on this, if you can swing it financially, go for auto draft. Most lenders will knock a couple of percentage points off of your interest rate if you do and you will not have to send them a payment and have a monthly reminder of all of the failure and fabulous debt that comes with it.
Rx:
Handle this sooner rather than later. You don't want to kill your credit score because you are angry. I know its hard but this is for the best. Its not you, its them, and they suck but you will have to pony up the cash one way or another. Make it easier to forget about it, once you establish your payment with your lender, auto draft it from a separate account if you can so you literally, never have to lay eyes on it again.
Yet another bite of the shit sandwich we call failure but it gets easier to swallow with each bite. You'll be okay, just try to grit your teeth and bear it for now. Your income will level out with the payment (like any other expense) and it won't always be where the bulk of your money goes….one day….
Friday, December 18, 2015
Thursday, June 11, 2015
Week 156
Fast forward to 3 years out. I am working a good job, with a good pay for a good company. I would love to tell you that I don't ever even think about school or that I'm so happy with my career that I can even begin to imagine how I could have ever wanted to be a PA. Unfortunately that simply isn't true. I'm not saying I spend all of my time upset, most days I don't think about it and I'm plenty happy with my job. But there are days when I am typing an email or a document in word and I feel a wave of crushing depression that makes it hard to breathe. I cry at my desk. Good news is this happens maybe 2, 3 times a year tops. The pangs of depression in general happen probably once a month.
This is an aspect of coping that to this point has not gone away. I set myself up for what could have been great success which subsequently resulted in a devastating failure. I like my job but I don't change lives, I don't impact people on a daily basis in such a way that I even feel like it matters most days. I am not what I had always thought I'd be. I spent a lot of my life thinking I'd do something extraordinary. I've turned out to be completely average. That's the most difficult thing to accept. I am a person with a job. That's what I do.
My personal life has taken off. I have gotten married. I have a daughter and am now expecting a son! I hate that this is something I haven't totally shaken. Now that I have kids, I have to somehow muster the strength to tell them "if you work hard, you can do anything you want" even though I'm walking, talking proof that no matter how hard you work, it doesn't always matter. You won't always get what you want, and life really isn't fair. It's a lucky freaking gamble.
I feel like what I am is a recovering success-a-holic. I spent so much of my adult life being able to do what I wanted that failing at something completely shattered my sense of self. I don't know if I was suffering from delusions of grandeur or what. I am working on it...just keep on trying.
Rx:
It will come and it will go. These emotional tsunamis will resolve with a little bit of emotional indulgence. You really have to grip on to the good in your life. I have friends and an awesome family. I let myself cry because when I don't, it lingers so much longer. Its less often and I'm less angry. You have to choose to be happy now. You have to choose to enjoy your career, whatever it may be. Going back to school is not an option at this point. At least not for me. To take another shot at that expensive ass game of roulette is irresponsible. It is going to be fine. The success I can achieve is what it is. Different is not necessarily bad or less than, you just have to adjust your expectations to your reality.
Sunday, May 17, 2015
Week 5
You are now trying to figure out what the hell you want to do if you can't be a PA. I must attach the following caveat; I can only express options I am familiar with because of my particular background. When I went to PA School I had a background in chemistry. I had classmates with degrees varying from biology and radiology to latin. Needless to say I have no clue what the person with a latin degree was doing before hand. I can however suggest new pathways for folks with a science background. I went to PA school about 3 weeks after defending my master's in biochemistry. I lived in the Raleigh-Durham-Chapel Hill "triangle" in North Carolina so surely I'd be a shoe in for a management position in one of the many pharma and analytical science companies in RTP right? I mean, I was this (fingers are really close together) to practicing medicine.
This over inflated sense of self was abruptly ruptured when I realized I wasn't even getting interviews. I had actually started applying to jobs a few months before being escorted out of the Duke facility. I was not literally escorted out but you get my point. Any who, I realized about this time that I wasn't even going to get the back up to my dream job. I mean….WTF?!?!?!
Rx:
Begin exploring your other opportunities. If you have a science degree these are some ways to get your foot in the door and other job possibilities that require a science degree but aren't exact what you might have thought!
Science:
Volunteer in an academic lab
Google your local university's biology, chemistry, biochem, departments and look at the PIs (principle investigators). Cast a super wide net because these guys are super busy. Offering a free set of hands can be beneficial to you and them. I know folks who started as volunteers and eventually landed permanent positions. Plus, this can get you experience! Turns out the only way for anyone to care that your resume is in their inbox is if you have experience of some sort. The PIs email is usually available on the departmental page. Let them know the extent of your schooling, what about their research interests you (do a little bit of clicking around on their lab page) and include a CV or resume that includes what scientific skills you have from undergrad or previous experience.
Volunteering in this setting is much easier to get into than in an Industry lab especially if you don't have any connections. Plus this can help you earn a recommendation or really great reference.
Academic positions (individual contributor)
These positions are often posted on an individual lab's site but you will need to do the formal application process for the university. Usually the university's main page, under employment. ITs a pain in the ass and you have to register but these are good jobs so it can be worth the effort. They don't pay as well as Industry but the depending on the culture of the lab, this can be a pretty sweet gig. My lab start time in grad school wasn't really tracked but my boss usually got in around 10AM. There is a TON of flexibility if you want to take classes and go to the gym mid-day, stuff like that. I should stress that this is a lab culture dependent type of thing. I've also known PIs who don't allow people to check their personal email at work so, be sure to feel this out in an interview.
Laboratory Management
Pretty similar but with waaay more responsibility than the individual contributor. Might pay a little more but this will be good experience for you if you want to eventually go into industry. Academic jobs don't pay great but, the quality of life often can't be beat!
Labcorp
These labs are located all over the country as they assess specimens from various hospitals and clinics. This could be a particularly good fit if you have a background in pathology or microbiology or have experience with applicable techniques. Again, volunteering in an academic lab can benefit these endeavors.
Hospital labs
Very similar to the Labcorp deal. Usually apply through a centralized portal. Some of these labs may require specific pathology certifications.
Corporate level analytical labs
This would be like AAI Pharma and Catalent. These companies are often looking for entry-level chemists and might be a good place to start a great career in industry! I had an interview with an analytical company and totally bombed it.
Side note: You won't die if you bomb an interview and don't get a job. Matter of fact, this could very much benefit you by learning what NOT to do!
Big Pharma
Not to state the obvious but if you can get your foot in the door here, you are all kinds of set! Apply, apply, apply!
You could always continue working in your field of certification or doing whatever you did to get your contact hours. However, with these jobs you will likely hit a ceiling since you don't have the additional medical training. These types of jobs include positions as a CNA, EMT, Nurse (duh), ED Technician, Medical Assistant, etc.
Then there are some less obvious choices that also require or prefer a science degree but are not science.
Regulatory Affairs
These positions are in every regulated industry. Medical device companies, pharmaceutical companies, Food manufacturers, Clinical Research Organizations, if it's regulated you should try to get your foot in the door. These jobs involve ensuring compliance with current standards, regulations and guidances from various competent authorities depending on the countries your product is being sold in. This is actually what I do for a living now.
Project Management
These jobs require excellent time management, organization and team coercion, I mean team management skills. These positions are available in many industries. This is a lot of what it sounds like, set up timelines, ensuring various members of your team are meeting their timelines for deliverables.
CRO Positions: The companies you will need to look for are called Clinical Research Organizations (CROs) and they are EVERYWHERE. Companies contract out their clinical trials to these organizations.
Clinical Research Associate
Having a science degree can be of benefit in this field. Be sure to express your interest in clinical research. This job requires a LOT of travel but can be lucrative and rewarding. CRAs travel to sites and ensure that investigation product is getting where it needs to be and that the sites are doing their part and being compliant with the trial. CRAs also play a role in getting a site up and running.
Data Management
This is another CRO position. These folks help store and manage the data being collected as part of these trials. These folks ensure that data is entered appropriately into the appropriate database for tracking.
Teaching
Unfortunately, this is the least lucrative option you have. You can often teach at a school if you are working on a teaching degree or certification. This can vary state to state and I really only suggest this if it's truly your passion because the money might not be worth it otherwise.
If anything else comes to me, I will be sure to post. Give serious consideration to new career paths. Success doesn't always mean become the most prestigious thing you can think of. A lot of these jobs offer room for growth and some can make higher salaries with 9 to 5 schedule which you wouldn't have in the medical field. You just have to get your foot in the door and apply the same work ethic that got you into grad school into your job and you will be successful. It won't happen over night or in two years like becoming a PA would have but there is no ceiling on how high you can climb up a corporate ladder if you learn how to network and do your job well.
This over inflated sense of self was abruptly ruptured when I realized I wasn't even getting interviews. I had actually started applying to jobs a few months before being escorted out of the Duke facility. I was not literally escorted out but you get my point. Any who, I realized about this time that I wasn't even going to get the back up to my dream job. I mean….WTF?!?!?!
Rx:
Begin exploring your other opportunities. If you have a science degree these are some ways to get your foot in the door and other job possibilities that require a science degree but aren't exact what you might have thought!
Science:
Volunteer in an academic lab
Google your local university's biology, chemistry, biochem, departments and look at the PIs (principle investigators). Cast a super wide net because these guys are super busy. Offering a free set of hands can be beneficial to you and them. I know folks who started as volunteers and eventually landed permanent positions. Plus, this can get you experience! Turns out the only way for anyone to care that your resume is in their inbox is if you have experience of some sort. The PIs email is usually available on the departmental page. Let them know the extent of your schooling, what about their research interests you (do a little bit of clicking around on their lab page) and include a CV or resume that includes what scientific skills you have from undergrad or previous experience.
Volunteering in this setting is much easier to get into than in an Industry lab especially if you don't have any connections. Plus this can help you earn a recommendation or really great reference.
Academic positions (individual contributor)
These positions are often posted on an individual lab's site but you will need to do the formal application process for the university. Usually the university's main page, under employment. ITs a pain in the ass and you have to register but these are good jobs so it can be worth the effort. They don't pay as well as Industry but the depending on the culture of the lab, this can be a pretty sweet gig. My lab start time in grad school wasn't really tracked but my boss usually got in around 10AM. There is a TON of flexibility if you want to take classes and go to the gym mid-day, stuff like that. I should stress that this is a lab culture dependent type of thing. I've also known PIs who don't allow people to check their personal email at work so, be sure to feel this out in an interview.
Laboratory Management
Pretty similar but with waaay more responsibility than the individual contributor. Might pay a little more but this will be good experience for you if you want to eventually go into industry. Academic jobs don't pay great but, the quality of life often can't be beat!
Labcorp
These labs are located all over the country as they assess specimens from various hospitals and clinics. This could be a particularly good fit if you have a background in pathology or microbiology or have experience with applicable techniques. Again, volunteering in an academic lab can benefit these endeavors.
Hospital labs
Very similar to the Labcorp deal. Usually apply through a centralized portal. Some of these labs may require specific pathology certifications.
Corporate level analytical labs
This would be like AAI Pharma and Catalent. These companies are often looking for entry-level chemists and might be a good place to start a great career in industry! I had an interview with an analytical company and totally bombed it.
Side note: You won't die if you bomb an interview and don't get a job. Matter of fact, this could very much benefit you by learning what NOT to do!
Big Pharma
Not to state the obvious but if you can get your foot in the door here, you are all kinds of set! Apply, apply, apply!
You could always continue working in your field of certification or doing whatever you did to get your contact hours. However, with these jobs you will likely hit a ceiling since you don't have the additional medical training. These types of jobs include positions as a CNA, EMT, Nurse (duh), ED Technician, Medical Assistant, etc.
Then there are some less obvious choices that also require or prefer a science degree but are not science.
Regulatory Affairs
These positions are in every regulated industry. Medical device companies, pharmaceutical companies, Food manufacturers, Clinical Research Organizations, if it's regulated you should try to get your foot in the door. These jobs involve ensuring compliance with current standards, regulations and guidances from various competent authorities depending on the countries your product is being sold in. This is actually what I do for a living now.
Project Management
These jobs require excellent time management, organization and team coercion, I mean team management skills. These positions are available in many industries. This is a lot of what it sounds like, set up timelines, ensuring various members of your team are meeting their timelines for deliverables.
CRO Positions: The companies you will need to look for are called Clinical Research Organizations (CROs) and they are EVERYWHERE. Companies contract out their clinical trials to these organizations.
Clinical Research Associate
Having a science degree can be of benefit in this field. Be sure to express your interest in clinical research. This job requires a LOT of travel but can be lucrative and rewarding. CRAs travel to sites and ensure that investigation product is getting where it needs to be and that the sites are doing their part and being compliant with the trial. CRAs also play a role in getting a site up and running.
Data Management
This is another CRO position. These folks help store and manage the data being collected as part of these trials. These folks ensure that data is entered appropriately into the appropriate database for tracking.
Teaching
Unfortunately, this is the least lucrative option you have. You can often teach at a school if you are working on a teaching degree or certification. This can vary state to state and I really only suggest this if it's truly your passion because the money might not be worth it otherwise.
If anything else comes to me, I will be sure to post. Give serious consideration to new career paths. Success doesn't always mean become the most prestigious thing you can think of. A lot of these jobs offer room for growth and some can make higher salaries with 9 to 5 schedule which you wouldn't have in the medical field. You just have to get your foot in the door and apply the same work ethic that got you into grad school into your job and you will be successful. It won't happen over night or in two years like becoming a PA would have but there is no ceiling on how high you can climb up a corporate ladder if you learn how to network and do your job well.
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Week 4
Congrats! You are a month out from your last day of school! Hopefully you are on the market looking for your next career and/or something to do until you figure out what that might look like. This is totally fine and remember, it will get better. You made it through four whole weeks at this point! Odds are classmates are now too busy to reach out to see how you are. This does not mean they don't care, they are just trying to stay afloat. Remember, you are free now. This should be refreshing to you. You know what it used to be like. You get to go to work (hopefully a part time distraction for now) or work on your resume and job applications until your family/partner/roommate is home and the day is over. Even if you have kids and a partner they are all you have to worry about at the end of the day. No homework. Isn't this nice?
Now for the tough stuff….Student debt is going to rear its ugly head in then next few months (6 months to be exact, well 5 now). You have got to really focus on firing up your resume and finding something stable. Don't panic, so long as you are proactive with your lenders you'll be okay. If you get the notice that they want money and it's way more than you can afford, be very upfront. Do NOT wait for them to come to you looking for the money. That can ruin your credit and become a serious pain in the ass. If you are proactive, you can research income-based repayment schedules, negotiate with your lender. But as painful as it is, you will have to pay back every stupid cent. This is where looking back on it now, I see that being "invited to pursue other career opportunities" in April of my first year truly was a blessing. I have just under half the debt of the rest of my colleagues which made the loan payments a bit less awful. Again, you still have time to get a stable job and get in the swing of it. You looked good enough on paper to get into grad school, you will find a job.
Be prepared: By now you have transitioned into being white-hot, seething with anger over this. Not going to lie, there are people who are AWFUL and will make TERRIBLE clinicians still in your program. This was an expensive pain in the ass road to a dead end. But, things your life does not depend on becoming a PA or a MD. You are disappointed in yourself and that is totally understandable. A number of things lead to this but its going to be fine. I promise.
Rx:
Hustle up on the part-time gig if you don't have one. Again, doesn't have to be your dream job, just some income and a reason to get out of bed. Be certain it isn't a job that will interfere with your capabilities to make it to interviews for real jobs. Start really considering your next step. I don't recommend more school but you have to find your own path. By now you probably hate all of the assholes still in the program. The people who are the worst that are still there, the people that patients HATED are still there and yes, one day will practice medicine. You get one calendar year to hate these people. No more that 5 minutes per day is to allocated to hating them. The rest of the time, you need to focus on your next step. Spend much more time than this and you will become bitter and a lot less fun to be around. Don't hate your friends who are still in the program. Long term, you will be happy for not shutting the ones you really grew to like and care about. Remember, nothing about this process is permanent.
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Week 3
Hopefully you are no longer crying every day, maybe more of an every other day type of deal. At this point, you have most of your classmates blocked on social media and you are summarizing your previous accomplishments on your resume and have it circulation with a temp agency. I hope this is helping to sober you up and dry you out. You have to remember, just keep swimming. At this stage, I was still looking for what would materialize as a lifeguard position with the local parks and recreation department. Once I started lifeguarding, I felt better. I got out of bed with a purpose, PLUS, I got to swim on my breaks. The exercise and sense of purpose kept me sane. I was surrounded by people who didn't know what I had been through and I didn't have to tell them, which was nice. At times, I'd see former classmates at the pool but sitting on the lifeguard stand was the last place they'd think to see me and I certainly didn't call attention to my self.
The flip side of this was that it was nice not to have homework and be constantly drowning in class and study materials. I could actually enjoy my days. I decided to work the 5:30AM shift at the pool which put be finishing up my 8 hour day around 1PM. So if I needed to run errands, go grocery shopping or wanted to watch Will&Grace, I'd be off work around lunch time! This forced me to go to bed early and I was exhausted from swimming on my breaks and getting up at 4. Plus, on the rare occasion I needed to pull someone out of the pool, I felt like I was actually helping people. Enjoy your freedom! When is the last time you have felt the day to day relief of no impending doom? Odds are if you failed out of your program, there was plenty of forewarning and you spent months waiting for the other shoe to drop. It has and now you can deal.
Rx:
Just keep swimming. Find an exercise routine that you like and can deal. Go walking/jogging/swimming, whatever to get out of your head and devote the energy that is being burned up as anxiety to good use. Plus, this will help you sleep. Keep looking for work. I didn't have a job before PA School I went from school into more school so I had a difficult time finding a professional job. If you are lucky enough to have had a job previously, it will be a huge hunk of humble pie but it will get better. Take pleasure in whatever your current position is. Enjoy being able to breathe. At the end of your day, you can have a couple of beers and go to bed if you want. Its crucial that you choose to be happy now. You will continue to feel pangs of depression but with time, you will be able to move through it and eventually leap out and over of them. Focus on the positives you have in your life and remember, it will continue to get easier and it does get better. I promise.
The flip side of this was that it was nice not to have homework and be constantly drowning in class and study materials. I could actually enjoy my days. I decided to work the 5:30AM shift at the pool which put be finishing up my 8 hour day around 1PM. So if I needed to run errands, go grocery shopping or wanted to watch Will&Grace, I'd be off work around lunch time! This forced me to go to bed early and I was exhausted from swimming on my breaks and getting up at 4. Plus, on the rare occasion I needed to pull someone out of the pool, I felt like I was actually helping people. Enjoy your freedom! When is the last time you have felt the day to day relief of no impending doom? Odds are if you failed out of your program, there was plenty of forewarning and you spent months waiting for the other shoe to drop. It has and now you can deal.
Rx:
Just keep swimming. Find an exercise routine that you like and can deal. Go walking/jogging/swimming, whatever to get out of your head and devote the energy that is being burned up as anxiety to good use. Plus, this will help you sleep. Keep looking for work. I didn't have a job before PA School I went from school into more school so I had a difficult time finding a professional job. If you are lucky enough to have had a job previously, it will be a huge hunk of humble pie but it will get better. Take pleasure in whatever your current position is. Enjoy being able to breathe. At the end of your day, you can have a couple of beers and go to bed if you want. Its crucial that you choose to be happy now. You will continue to feel pangs of depression but with time, you will be able to move through it and eventually leap out and over of them. Focus on the positives you have in your life and remember, it will continue to get easier and it does get better. I promise.
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Week 2
You've spent the last week in bed, drinking and being depressed. You likely still have your most recent disbursement of your loans so you will be okay for a few months (in theory). Now is time to start thinking about your next step. You need to eat and clothe yourself beyond the few months worth of cushion you might have.
This is a time that will be especially trying for you. Take a job, any job at this point. It will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning and a new set of peers to be around. I was lifeguard for four months after PA School. Boy, that was a HUGE piece of humble pie. I went from having 4 hour cadaver anatomy labs and practicing mattress suture patterns in surgery lab and cramming for cardiology to sitting in a lifeguard stand, making just more than minimum wage and essentially watching people swim. It was simple, easy, somewhat mindless work. Just what my brain needed. Plus I got to swim laps on my breaks, another way to wear myself out so I could sleep at night and not cry.
You should take anything that is offered to you until you can pull your CV or resume together. Once you get your resume in solid shape, (there are tons of free templates online) send it to your local staffing agency. The jobs they offer you likely won't be your dream job but you will not find a job based solely on your bachelors especially if you went straight to PA school right after undergrad and have no work experience. I have a M.S. in biochemistry and couldn't get an interview for a permanent position because I had no experience. Yes, the wonderful Goldilocks Paradox of most recent grads, the ratio of work experience to school is always off!
Staffing agencies give you a couple of really great advantages:
1.) Someone to be your own personal cheerleader with employers (trust me you need this right now).
2.) Someone to help spruce up your resume, let you know what employers are looking for and how to make it more professional if needed.
3.) Someone who knows the business of getting employed. These guys know how to sell you to a company and how to help you market yourself in an interview.
4.) Someone to help you network, they know people, you don't. It turns out industry is a lot less about what you know, but who knows you. And these folks, get your foot and face in the door.
Rx:
1.) It's time to start being practical. You will feel better as you have more time and space between you and school. When your peers are normal people, no longer the most elite of everyone, from every University, you feel less disappointed in yourself. Any job will fill your mind with busy work or anything else to focus on.
2.)Delete everyone from school from your social media accounts. Trust me, the people you actually enjoy and care about will resurface. For now, you need some time to nurse your wounds and separate yourself from the identity of being a professional student without reading the rants of people who are still afforded the opportunity to be ungrateful for the torture of pursuing your dream.
Remember that its going to be okay. There is more than one type of success. Its awful taking a job that you will initially believe is beneath your station but trust me, you need it. A job that doesn't follow you home with homework and studying is good for you right now.
Monday, April 1, 2013
Week 1
You just got the news and probably haven't quite absorbed it all. I distinctly remember sitting across from my favorite teacher at Duke, and hearing her say "so you know what that means" and thinking to myself "Thank God". I was relieved to finally hear what I knew was coming. No more nights of sleep deprived nail-biting anxiety over whether I was going to pass the next exam or not. Staying up cramming and being almost delusional with exhaustion trying to make sure I could memorize just one more random medical fact before bed! I finally got the relief of knowing it was over...this is what psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross defined as "denial". One of the 5 stages of grieving she describes in her 1969 publication On Death and Dying. I know it sounds morose but yes, you are experiencing a death of sorts. The career and life you were supposed to have that you worked so hard for, won't happen. Your dream is over and your perception of yourself is going to change, and this is not a bad thing. But you will find that life after failing out of Med School will be different, and the internal struggles associated with the transition will be difficult.
I found, as I collected my things, cleared out my locker, turned in my computer and lock I felt perfectly okay. I almost pitied my friends still sitting in lectures for the next 8 hours trying to cram as much as they can while I got to go home and relax. Take a load off and know that next week there won't be an exam and I don't have two quizzes on Friday along with two homework assignments. Oh boy, walking passed my lecture hall I could see them, still in their little rat race...poor them! That is, until I got home and about 4 beers in...then I spiraled into the greater meaning of what had just happened....
I spent the next week sleeping, laying in bed, not answering my phone and crying. I cried in the shower, on the couch, in bed, on a park bench, while I ate, and I drank. Oh boy did I drink! We all know well enough that alcohol is a depressant and couple that with failing out of Medical School you've got one big weepy mess; party of one. You've earned it when life kicks the crap out of you, lay on the ground and cry for a bit!!
Rx:
I highly recommend spending the next week, indulging your battle with depression. Focus on your emotions and indulge them, if you don't you're just putting off the inevitable. If you have a family, meet your obligations to them, do what you have to for the next week but when you can, sulk. Wallow in how bad you are feeling and cry as much as you can. You only get 7 days to devote to this so really feel the hit of this loss during that time. It's okay, it sucks and no, you didn't deserve it but these things happen. It's your party, cry as much as you want to it's just week one, this is to be expected.
You just got the news and probably haven't quite absorbed it all. I distinctly remember sitting across from my favorite teacher at Duke, and hearing her say "so you know what that means" and thinking to myself "Thank God". I was relieved to finally hear what I knew was coming. No more nights of sleep deprived nail-biting anxiety over whether I was going to pass the next exam or not. Staying up cramming and being almost delusional with exhaustion trying to make sure I could memorize just one more random medical fact before bed! I finally got the relief of knowing it was over...this is what psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross defined as "denial". One of the 5 stages of grieving she describes in her 1969 publication On Death and Dying. I know it sounds morose but yes, you are experiencing a death of sorts. The career and life you were supposed to have that you worked so hard for, won't happen. Your dream is over and your perception of yourself is going to change, and this is not a bad thing. But you will find that life after failing out of Med School will be different, and the internal struggles associated with the transition will be difficult.
I found, as I collected my things, cleared out my locker, turned in my computer and lock I felt perfectly okay. I almost pitied my friends still sitting in lectures for the next 8 hours trying to cram as much as they can while I got to go home and relax. Take a load off and know that next week there won't be an exam and I don't have two quizzes on Friday along with two homework assignments. Oh boy, walking passed my lecture hall I could see them, still in their little rat race...poor them! That is, until I got home and about 4 beers in...then I spiraled into the greater meaning of what had just happened....
I spent the next week sleeping, laying in bed, not answering my phone and crying. I cried in the shower, on the couch, in bed, on a park bench, while I ate, and I drank. Oh boy did I drink! We all know well enough that alcohol is a depressant and couple that with failing out of Medical School you've got one big weepy mess; party of one. You've earned it when life kicks the crap out of you, lay on the ground and cry for a bit!!
Rx:
I highly recommend spending the next week, indulging your battle with depression. Focus on your emotions and indulge them, if you don't you're just putting off the inevitable. If you have a family, meet your obligations to them, do what you have to for the next week but when you can, sulk. Wallow in how bad you are feeling and cry as much as you can. You only get 7 days to devote to this so really feel the hit of this loss during that time. It's okay, it sucks and no, you didn't deserve it but these things happen. It's your party, cry as much as you want to it's just week one, this is to be expected.
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